‘Tedious Length’ is also my porn name.” – David Mitchell “Mr Circumcision refused his knighthood.” – Rob Carter I do think it’s kind of a form of infidelity, because he’ll be imagining himself having sex with other women, and I don’t understand why he needs to watch it when I draw him such great vaginas.” – Sara Pascoe
“I don’t like my boyfriend watching pornography. Sometimes he’s there and sometimes he’s not. I just don’t like things that stop you from seeing the television properly.” – Victoria Wood “I’ve never laughed a woman in to bed, but I’ve laughed one out of bed many times.” – Jack Whitehall “I accidentally filled the Escort with diesel. 46! It’s older than the Sydney Opera House, my penis!” – Rhod Gilbert “Looking at my penis, I find it endlessly fascinating. Sex with me these days is akin to thumbing marshmallows into the anus of a cat.” – Greg Davies I’m 42 years of age, I literally have to hit it with nettles.
“The only thing I can offer to put ladies at ease is that I am of no sexual threat whatsoever. Why is there no jam? Have you run out of eggs?’ – Russell Howard “If they’re making cakes for divorces, why not ‘Happy Menopause!’ ‘Mmm, it’s a bit dry. “You never know where to look when eating a banana.” – Peter Kay “Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, ‘Yes, who did you think it was?’” – Jimmy Carr
And that was cos I’d no small change for the window cleaner.” – Victoria Wood “I didn’t have sex at all, not a scrap til I was 67. (It goes without saying that the following contains some strong language, and very adult humour) Some fruity lines from rude comedians:
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